Posted in Funny

This story is not for the faint hearted.

THIS IS CENSORED

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A SENSITIVE STOMACH

Last weekend, we made our way down to Palm Cove (A popular, upmarket beachside town in Far North Queensland). It’s a great place for a coffee/lunch date and a walk.

It’s a Relaxing, beautiful place to spend time, with stunning tropical surroundings, postcard scenery, immaculate weather and a contagious holiday vibe.

Our dog Jasper, loves the walk along the beach, frolicking in the waves, chasing the tennis ball, greeting tourists and passing water on the odd tree, determined to make sure he owns the place, and all the other dogs have no doubt in that fact.

Here we all were.

All five of us, wandering along the footpath, parallel to the beach, making a beeline for lunch, summing up all the restaurants and trying to decide which was the most appealing, when Jasper decided he was going to cause a scene.

This was no ordinary scene.

We were positioned right in front of the playground, where children and their parents frolicked, playing on swings, spying through telescopes, and climbing obstacle courses. The busy beach road was to our left, and on the other side of the road in very close proximity, were restaurants with happy diners seated at open air tables, chatting, and taking in the serenity.

All of a sudden, free to all, Jasper began to do ‘The walk’.

Oh no I thought. Here we go.

‘The walk’ is when he takes us on a rather quick stepped trek to find a perfect ‘POOING’ position. Sometimes, he walks for a good 5 minutes until he finds a patch of grass that’s suitable to his tastes.

“Whenever you’re ready Wondeez” (Our nickname for him) Michael always pipes.

Today, of all places, he decided to park a coil (apologies for the course description) right in the middle of the road, in front of all the children, the diners, the cars driving past, and the beach goers.

Michael madly tried to stop him ‘mid-poo’ but it wasn’t going to happen. That’s where he stopped, and that’s where he was staying to do his business.

Looking around, I checked to see who had noticed, embarrassed our dog wasn’t a little more discreet.

Everyone had noticed.

“Why is he taking so long?” I asked Michael, desperate to get him out of there.

“I think it’s stuck”

“It’s stuck? Oh good Lord”

As if it wasn’t enough to drop his load in the middle of the footpath, he had to get it stuck as well. Half of it was out, the other half was HANGING out, but still attached, if you know what I mean.

“Oh God, pull it out Michael”

“Michael dipped his hat in aim of disguising himself”

Poor Jasper was quite distressed. He continued to crawl forward, in an attempt to free himself, but his sphincter was still open and his legs wouldn’t work. He inched himself forward, with his legs spread, kind of in crouch position, or a shmick new yoga pose.

That was enough for my two boys who booked out at a rapid rate of knots, not claiming any ownership of either Jasper OR Michael.

I thought about it, and when a little kid yelled “Daddy is that dog ok?” I quickened my step and placed some valuable distance between myself and the commotion.

I peered over my shoulder briefly, and anxiously calculated my position. Was I far enough away?

Michael was trying to literally drag Jasper to a more discreet location, pulling in desperation at his lead-the poor dog choking in protest-but he’d already dropped a few packages that needed to be picked up, and he was absolutely resistant to this plan.

“Come on Jasper. Come here” -as he dragged him, Jasper moving forward very slowly in crouch position.

I noticed him wave to the diners in the restaurant, who by now were cacking themselves. Parents and kids in the playground began offering their assistance….NOT me, I was out of there, and I couldn’t find the boys for all money. They’d booked out long ago.

I was beginning to become concerned. His poo was well and truly stuck.

I mean of all places. One of the most supreme beaches in Austalia, and my dog chose constipation as an activity he would like to partake in….in the middle of the road mind you, in front of the whole world. He couldn’t have possibly planned it better.

With the poo still dangling out of his nought, he attempted to rub his bottom along the grass.

“Nooooooo, I yelled. I ran over quick smart. I was moving in. This little episode had to be stopped.

2 seconds away from grabbing the plastic bags and yanking the damn thing out of his backside, there was a big plop, he kicked his little legs to cover it up…with WHAT I don’t know, gravel? Sand? …and he had a dog smile from ear to ear, tongue hanging out, totally fired up to continue his Journey.

“What’s the problem ?” I could here him saying
“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanna chase the ball, yipeee, yipee. Can we go? Can we go?

Cheers surrounded us. Cheers from cars, cheers from diners, cheers from the playground, cheers from the beach, cheers from passers by.

Total nightmare.

Now. Where were we? Michael and I were considering a search party for the boys, who were missing in action for some time.

When we finally found one of them it was

“Oh my goodness Dad”…..like it was his fault.

Oh. That’s right. Lunch.

Lunch? No thank you, I’m no longer hungry.

…and the worst part, is, I can never show my face in Palm Cove again.

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Posted in Funny, Stories

It’s wise to be suspicious when it comes to an 11 yr old

‘I received an e-mail from my youngest SON this morning.

I have never received one from him before by the way, he’s 11, and he’s at school as we speak.

I hope.

Please see below

What has he done this time
What has he done this time
Hang on, no. They'll call me to fetch him
Hang on, no. They’ll call me to fetch him
Phew, I'm safe
Phew, I’m safe
Bye Bye, Son
Bye Bye, Son
Please tell me he didn't just say that
Please tell me he didn’t just say that

OMG...Michaeeeelllllll

OMG….Michaeeeeeelllllllllll

This is the Story, I have been believing all day, for I have no reason to doubt my 11 year old do I?

I wondered how I was going to get the blood out of his white shirt, and pondered my approach.

I arrived at school for pick up-unusual as I am usually working- and along he prances, toward the car with his hands over his shirt.

“Show me” I demanded, suspiciously-I am ALWAYS suspicious.

He showed me with a smile from here to Texas.

Before I had the chance to open my mouth, he blurted out the following:

“Ha!!!! Pranked you. It’s fine mum, it’s tomato sauce.”

He appeared to be quite pleased with himself, but I was furious. It was worse than first anticipated.

I could see a small patch of white in his shirt, but it was mostly red. Tomato sauce covered it’s entire frontage.

“Are you serious Xavier?”

“Yep. Deadly. It’s only tomato sauce”

“I can see that. What I mean is, what the heck happened…and why….and YOU are so washing it yourself sunshine”

He wasn’t perturbed in the slightest.

“It’s a long, long, story”

I was happy for him to keep it to himself, but he launched into a detailed description, whether I liked it or not.

“You wouldn’t believe what happened. I was walking along, and I found a $5-00 note on the ground, so I thought..’sick’…and I ran to the tuck shop and bought some junk. A saussage roll and a drink, which I gave away because it wasn’t my money anyway, and you’ll see that’s why I haven’t eaten my lunch”

“You what? Why? It costs me money to make your lunch”

“Nope, I didn’t eat any of it, none of it. Not the carrot and not the salada’s…oh but I ate the chocolate cookie….and so I was eating my saussage roll and W kicked the soccer ball at me and ‘Whammo’, tomato sauce splashed everywhere. I only had two mouthfuls. That’s the second time that’s happened with tuck shop. The last time he kicked the soccer ball it also knocked my saussage roll all over the chair….so he owes me two saussage rolls now”

He said all of this with a huge smile through his gappy teeth, not at all fussed about what I would say.

“You should have seen our class today. It is the naughtiest class in history”

“Well that’s not good Xav”

“Yep. I don’t know how the relief teachers make it through the day, and poor Mrs G”

“Well I hope you’re not one of them”

“I am. I was a little bit cheeky, and I was kept in at lunch”- smiling

“Why are you happy about that?”

“Oh that’s nothing. I’m cheakier with L at swimming. She kicked me out of the pool once”

FLYNN pipes up-

“Are you stupid Xavier? You are completely incriminating yourself. You’re not even trying to lie”

ME:”I don’t know what to say, but trust me. I’ll think of something”

“And K got hit in the head with a ball 6 times today. So I was tomato head, and she was ball magnet”

“I feel like I’m in a strange mood. Do you think I’m in a strange mood mum?”

“No. The thought never crossed my mind…..and Xavier…”

“YES MUM?”

“You are so washing that shirt tonight”

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Posted in Funny

PINK BATS FOR FATHER’s DAY-PART ONE

This is the way our family deals with Father’s Day-Almost every year.

Father’s Day? It’s Father’s Day? Oh blast, really? I thought it was next week? Wasn’t it in May? Did anybody buy dad anything?

“Don’t worry mum, I’ve got it sorted”- Xavier chirps

“I went to the Father’s Day stall at school”

Excellent, another year of back scratchers and mugs with ‘THE WORLD’s GREATEST DAD’ printed on them. We could do with another mug, there is a serious mug shortage in our house. At last count we were scrimping it on a mere 23 mugs. Including MY lovely two, with the words ‘World’s greatest mum’ printed across their shiny white porcelain surface.

“What did you buy him?”-I queried

“Dracula teeth”

“Dracula teeth? Yeah, he’s going to love it. By the way, where is he?”

Now Father’s Day is so important to us, that we decided to celebrate it by insulating the roof. Well, when I say WE….I mean Michael.

Although there are days I would very much like to shove him in the roof, today was a bit of a rough one. No coffee, no breakfast in bed, just him and some pink bats. I’m sure most families are having lovely breakfasts and lunches, laughs and toasts. Not us, there’s nothing like a fibreglass shower and some Dracula teeth for a treat.

“He’s in the roof”

“He’s where?”

“He’s in the roof”

“Why?”

…before I could respond, Xavier ran to the manhole and screamed

“Daaaaaaaaaaaad”

-No answer

“Daaaaaaaaad. Come down, I have a present for you”

Before too long, Michael’s footsteps could be heard tramping down the metal rungs of the ladder. He was absolutely filthy, sweating from every single square cm of his skin, and obviously itchy- if the possessed manner in which he was scratching was any indication.

Xavier in the meantime was so excited to give his dad the Dracula teeth, that he was dancing around like a clown and singing opera….? Strange I know, but this is one different kid.

Flynn-“Xavier, you are so loud in the morning”

Michael-“Xavier, your VOICE”

Xavier-“Dad, YOUR face”

Whilst everyone was getting along so famously, I noticed my eyes were uncontrollably itchy…

Me:”Oh no, I think I have something stuck in my teeth”

Flynn- “Your teeth?”

Me-“I mean my eyes, my eyes”

Xavier, noticing Michael was duct taping up his shirt (He duct tapes everything in sight..btw), decided it would be fun to duct tape up his dad’s mouth. The mere suggestion, prompted Flynn to announce;

“If anyone’s mouth is going to be duct taped Xavier, it’s not going to be dad’s”

Xavier immediately filled the air with another humongous baritone note, just in case the place wasn’t noisy enough.

-Meanwhile, Flynn began making himself a coffee.

He was quite meticulous and was appearing to take his time with the finer details.

Me-“Is that normal coffee Flynn or decaf? It better be decaf!” I warned

He paused for a moment as if deeply puzzled, then peered into the cup.

Me-“So? Normal or decaf?”

Flynn-“It appears I have forgotten to add the actual coffee”

Michael-“So it’s just hot water?”

Flynn looking at Michael as if he was completely stupid.

Flynn-“No dad. Hot water AND sugar”

Michael looked at me in disbelief, words clearly escaping him.

Xavier promptly jumps in-

Xavier-“Wake up dozy”

Extremely happy his brother was less than perfect for once, he smugly pushed him aside and began to make HIS cereal.

He picked up the coffee jar, that Flynn forgot to use, and began to smother his rice bubbles with it.

Me-“Nice. Coffee flavoured rice bubbles now Xav”

His eyes grew wide and his hands jerked to a halt.

Xavier- “Oh noooooooo. I could have sworn that was sugar”

Happy Father’s Day Michael…..Michael? …-and just like that, he was back in the roof.

Posted in Funny

What happens when you don’t pack the soap on School Camp?

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What happens when you don’t pack the soap on School Camp?

THE DAY BEFORE..

Some say bad things happen in 3’s, I say 6’s or 7’s.

This particular morning, was probably close to one of the worst mornings in history.

Never trust a 13 year old to pack for a canoeing trip. I should’ve known, but I chose to take the lazy way out, leaving it for him.

He was quite happy to pack for himself mind you, and it totally suited me-one less thing to worry about.

All looked quite organised in the packing scene which pleased me. I kept half an eye, just in case anything major went astray.

“So what soap are you using?” Hoping he was using the liquid variety.
“Soap? No I don’t need soap mum”
“No soap?”
“Nope”
“But you will be gone for 5 days!”
“We never use soap on camp mum”
“What do you wash yourselves with then?”
“….we don’t wash…”

“Good Lord. I’m glad I’m not sleeping in a tent with you then”

THE MORNING OF…

The morning of, and the child runs into our room and states that there’s no milk for his breakfast..not even one drop…and so the morning begins.

Michael: I really need to go to work early this morning, is that ok?
Me: Yep, but would you mind grabbing some soy milk from the IGA first?

So off he trots, ready for work, to drop off some milk, and dash.

In the meantime, I discover Flynn, trying to squeeze into his selected shorts for the day. They were easily a few sizes too small.

Flynn: Oops. I don’t think I’ll be wearing those!
ME: Well it would have been a great idea to try them on yesterday Flynn, it’s too late to tell me that now.

All of the shorts he owned, were packed. Oh well, his problem, he’d have to make a plan. I’m not sure what he did, but he obviously found something.

I decided to check in his camp bag-

MISTAKE NUMBER 1-Resulted in much sweating and multiple heart palpitations.

ME: Do you have sunscreen? You will be on a river for 5 days.
FLYNN: Yes, mum.

I checked…..sunscreen IN, but tube completely empty.

ME: Flynnnnnn.
FLYNN: Yes mum?
ME: This tube is completely empty.
FLYNN: Oh.
ME: Quick, call Dad and ask him to buy sunscreen while he’s at the shops.

Michael drives in the driveway-oh damn. He’s home already.

MICHAEL: Here’s the milk. I’m going to work.
ME: Stoooop. There is an emergency.
MICHAEL: You’ve got your period?
ME:This is serious Michael. Flynn has no sunscreen. He will be on a river for 5 days.

Michael sighs.

MICHAEL: I’ll go to the shops again, but then I’m leaving. I’ll toot and drop it off.
FLYNN: Thanks dad.
MICHAEL: Anything else while I’m there?
FLYNN: No, it’s all good
ME: Yes! Flynny, where’s your lip balm?
FLYNN: Here……oh….It WAS here.
ME: Honestly Flynn, I thought you packed.
MICHAEL: Are you serious? Ok. Sunscreen and lip balm.

I felt myself begin to sweat. I still hadn’t had a shower. Lucky I didn’t need to make Flynn lunch. He confirmed that with me yesterday.

ME:Flynn, are you sure you don’t need lunch?
FLYNN: Yep! Sure.

I picked up the note, now in an enormous rush, doubting the accuracy of this statement.

I read the note-

“Your child will be required to bring morning tea, lunch AND afternoon tea on the first day”

I couldn’t believe it…..but then I could. I said nothing. I put my head down and tried to work through the morning, it could only improve from here.

XAVIER: Mum, do you know where my hat is?”
ME very loudly: Xavier, I CANT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Flynn is bad enough. I feel like my head is going to explode.
FLYNN, completely cool: Your head will not explode mum. Don’t worry.

I re-examined the packing situation and noticed he was missing his Water Pack.

ME:Flynn, where’s your water pack?
FLYNN: I think it’s outside
ME ?? Pardon? Why?
FLYNN: well it’s drying, because it got a bit wet, but it’s dry now.
ME: Well put it in your bag for goodness sake, or you’ll forget it
FLYNN: I have to fill it up, first

A few minutes passed.

Then I saw it. Flynny darting outside with the water pack on his back, leaking all,over his NEW shirts and shirt.

ME: Flynnnnn. Take it off quick.

I grabbed the pack in seconds and had it off his back. Sweat poured off my brow. Oh my goodness, please tell me this morning is going to end.

The pack was now absolutely saturated. There was no salvaging it.

RING RING- the phone rang. I answered it.

MICHAEL: Babe can you hear me?- Bad reception
ME: Michael this is not a good time
MICHAEL. The IGA didn’t have sunscreen and Coles is closed. I had to drive to Edmonton.

The ship was well and truly sinking, and I was on the front deck. Disheartened, I dismantled the pack and attempted to fix it for him. The kid needed water and there was no alternative.

The stupid plastic end wouldn’t go into the hole.

I called Xavier to help. He is vey good with practical things.

We all gave up.

Michael drives into the driveway.

ME: Quick Flynn, ask DAD to come inside and help. (I sure as heck wasn’t going to be the one to ask him)

Michael walks in.

MICHAEL: What now?
ME: I can’t fix it babe….and Flynny is all wet.

I might add that Flynn was as calm as a cucumber, Michael was driving around the whole universe it seemed, Xavier was still trying to find his hat and I was having a melt down.

I jumped in the shower. I needed to rush now, and Michael was fixing things. Finally, all was going well, I jumped out of the shower with pace, and opened the cupboard to reach for the hair dryer….GONE. What? It’s never gone. I ran out with a towel on my head and a fire in my belly.

“Who’s stolen my hairdryer?”

There was Flynn. Outside, drying his water pack with my hairdryer.

I looked at him and admired his resilience.

I moved backwards quietly, and let go of the tug of war I was having with time and myself.

It is what it is, I thought-but next time, I’m packing!

Posted in Funny

CAFFEINE

CAFFEINE

I have been meaning to apologise to Scott and Adrian for my performance at the twilight swimming carnival the other night.

When I decided to purchase a coffee from the kiosk, I could never have imagined the effect it would have had on me. I mean, I’ve had strong coffee’s before, but this one was out of this world.

The thought of a nice, lovely, coffee had been roaming around in my mind for some time. There is nothing better than consuming an exquisite coffee, when you are dying for one.

I asked around…..”Anyone for coffee?”

Before I knew it, I had a few orders.

Now ordering coffee in 2015 is not the same as ordering coffee in 1982. It used to be;

“Are you having a coffee?” -and the response would either be;

“yes please”…. Or “No thank you” ……NOW….you need a photographic memory to remember the order.

“Yes please, I’ll have a skinny latte, half strength, 1 sugar…”
“I’ll have a soy cap, double strength, no sugar”
“Short black, 2 sugars…..”

Right. I waltzed happily on over to the swimming pool Kiosk. The bloke taking the orders, was the same bloke who was making them, so the queue was lengthy. Lots of random chit chat was had between fellow coffee orderers while we were patiently waiting. My thirst for my coffee was increasing.

It was finally my turn.

The bloke who served me was young, kind of hip, totally into pleasing everyone, and seemed to be all over it. I mentioned to him that I had a few complicated orders, however he seemed to be excited by this, keen to show us all that he was a gun coffee maker and the complication of the order didn’t fuss him. I began to feel concerned that there might be a Kuffufle when he not only took milliseconds to absorb my order, but also took other orders at the same time. Oh, let me tell you from that moment on, I knew there was a debacle brewing. I was so concerned that I not only asked him to repeat the order, but I dropped the half strength in view of uncomplicating things. When he announced that he would bring the coffees TO me up in the grandstand over THEEEEERRREEE……..I knew it was all over.

Immediately I sent Michael over to retrieve the beverages, as I knew this coffee maker had bitten off more than he could chew.

The coffees arrived, in quite a timely manner I might add. Flat white instead of latte, cap with no sugar, etc etc…..as I thought, but oh well, give me, give me, give meeee my coffee. Coffee is coffee right?

I sipped mine. Blaaa. Tasted like, like, I don’t know what, but I ran for a few extra sugars to counteract the bitterness. Ahh that’s better….and then IT HIT ME. Wham. Caffeine surge. Words started coming out of my mouth at 100 kph. I couldn’t stop them. Every thought in my head, was out there. I felt my eyes grow in size, my nerves jump to attention, the smile on my face a permanent fixture. I was totally wired.

It was my turn to timekeep. With Scott and Adrian. Let me tell you it was the most exciting time keeping session ever. My reflexes were sharp. The gun would go off for a race, and I’d have the stop watch pressed so quickly it was frightening. Time after time I’d line myself up, right foot forward, left foot back, and wham, I started the stop watch with lightening speed, sometimes I think I even beat the gun. Running commentary was flowing from my mouth like silk. I quickly ran for a toilet break, not walked……skipped, hopped, whatever my charged up nerves told me to do.

I passed the coffee making bloke and he yelled out…..”How was your coffee?”……I looked at him and announced simply “Absolutely, flipping fantastic”…….he looked relieved, and replied:

“Oh, thank G– for that. The minute you walked away after ordering, I forgot the order and just thought F$&@…..”

I raced back to timing. All of a sudden, I felt dozy. My concentration was failing. The sweat was accumulating on my brow from the stress of missing the commencement of a race. I was quiet. If asked a question, I would reply with “Hmm? Sorry, did you say something” everything was an effort and I just wanted to go to sleep, one race just flowed into another, I was on autopilot, I felt absolutely horrible.

The following day, I arrived at the pool to collect the kids, when greeted by some apparently amused adults…..

“So we shouldn’t serve YOU coffee again”
” How do you know?”
“Oh we were all watching the scene unfold in the grandstand with Michael, who kept saying ‘What is wrong with her..??”….t’was brilliant. Don’t know what happened in the swimming, but you were a scream!”

The question has to be asked-how could one coffee, have that great an effect?

I think old mate may have served me quad strength av gas with coffee flavouring!

Posted in Funny, Humour

Dear Jasper

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Dear Jasper,

I really think we need to have a heart to heart human to dog talk.

Come over here, put your hairy little behind down on the tiles, and bring with you your most finely tuned dog ears.
-and I am not for one minute fooled by that cute little innocent doggy face you are putting on, because I know you can understand me.

We need to discuss your A grade ability to sulk. You have developed quite the attitude of late and we need you to understand that whilst mum and dad always have your best interests at heart, there is no need to disown your father simply because he gave me a foot massage on the couch last night.

This business of storming outside, flopping yourself next to the pool fence and refusing to look at us, let alone talk to us, is taking it a bit far. Your helpless, far away stares into the darkness and your heavy, quite audible sighs, for hours on end had me worried you were sick. I almost called the vet, a ridiculously expensive exercise for a bad case of the sulks.

Mum and dad have to go to work. I understand having nobody to talk to all day, sitting on your bed and staring at the outdoor furniture isn’t the most enthralling way to spend your day, but we take you to the park to chase your favourite ball every single day, and on weekends you go to the beach, roll in everything that stinks to high heaven, nose dive into the sand until your ears, eyes and nose are so full of grains you can’t stop sneezing, and you run with the wind and frolic in the waves until your smile is so big I could swear your tongue would fall out.

You spend every moment you can sleeping on top of dad, you are allowed on the couch, AND our bed, you get to eat left over pasta, roast lamb and chicken, lie in air conditioned comfort, have regular baths and rub downs which we know you love, and you bounce on the trampoline with your brothers when it suits you.

So Jasper, our precious little puppy boy….let me ask you this.

What the heck is all the sulking about?

Love mum and dad

Dear mum,

You’ve got it all wrong. I am simply taking in the ambience of the night sky. When I sit by the pool fence, I stare at the billions of stars, and find myself in awe of their beauty and wonder. Really.

Love Jasper

Dear Jasper,

It was cloudy last night.

Love mum

Dear mum,

Oh, bugger.

Love Jasper

 

♥️Heart Story-N.A.Martin