As I sit here at my little computer, I struggle to keep my hands up high enough to connect with the keys.
The level of fatigue I am experiencing at present is overwhelming.
Am I the only one who feels as heavy as an elephant?
Am I the only one if given half the chance, would sleep for a whole day and a whole night?
I feel my only solace, is to share these words-something I have so desperately yearned, yet life’s demands have saturated my every ticking minute and stolen away the opportunity.
…but I must write
I must sit here and support my aching wrists because I have a story to tell.
Not an historical masterpiece, not a poetic marvel, but an everyday not so special, story.
The story of the leak in my emotional bank.
I have not run a thousand miles.
I have not deprived myself of sleep.
I have eaten well, and I am not sick.
Yet my mental reserve, is dry.
I have a marvelous ability to take on the worlds issues, and saturate my emotional state of mind quite comfortably and successfully for some time. I feel good, content-I even feel on top of it. Where there is a need for professional or personal assistance, I happily oblige, with no resistance.
Slowly, my days become filled with ‘stuff’. Not ‘me’ stuff…but other people’s stuff.
I don’t mind. We all have to give.
Yet, deep inside me, in the quiet of my mind, my bank of sanity drains.
Eventually, my lack of down time, begins to take an effect. Not rapidly, but consistently enough for the ‘signs’ to appear. Irritability, fatigue, aggression, lack of patience, clouded thought, forgetfulness, angst.
Despite the warnings, the demands continue, and I somehow find something within me that allows me to run for a while-on empty
…but running on empty, ensures a half hearted effort, a constant dragging of the feet, unnecessary conflict, a continuous state of fatigue and exposure to illness.
I now find myself, leaning over a computer, staring glassy eyed at the screen, not having written for weeks, with my pajamas still on, and my hair unbrushed, at 11:00 am.
The importance of active self-care and down time, for me personally, is something I am finally recognising as essential to my well-being.
I am sure I will find myself in a similar situation again, but this time, I will try and remember to say ‘NO’, sleep until midday, and write a story in my pajamas, with my hair standing on end. If anyone wants to Skype me…I’m not home 🙂
Have a fabulous, down-time day everyone