‘I wonder how I’ll feel when my former self is but a memory.’
Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what’s going to happen, you know?
What’s going to happen as I change?
“We all change, it happens to everyone” -they all tell me
“yeah, I guess so”
-but I still wonder.
I wonder how I will deal with a diminishing me.
I wonder how I’ll feel when my former self is but a memory.
Will I be happy?
Will I fall apart?
Will life be a mental battle?
Or will I adjust slowly as I pass into the twilight years-like the frog in boiling water syndrome.
Nobody knows, now do they?
Until they get there-which is probably just as well.
I can hear your voices.
You are screaming the words mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and gratitude in my direction-all of which I am a strong advocate
-but underneath the poses, the spiritual mantra’s and behind the never ending quest to find enlightenment,
when I am buried in solitude,
when the sun has been replaced with darkness and I am who I am,
when only truth remains,
will I be scared of tomorrow?
Will I harvest grief for the time that was?
Will I scream in pain for the blood that has passed and left me behind?
Will I waste irretrievable minutes dwelling on the inevitable?
Or will I live forever in a perfect bubble of strength and happiness regardless of what life throws my way?
Regardless of the physical condition I find myself in?
Will heaven find me and shed light on my aging soul so that I might live another day with Joy, Peace, and deep fulfillment?
Will I travel and play cards all night with friends, laugh at bad jokes told by grandchildren and celebrate 5o years of marriage?
Or will I simply do what I do now?
Wake up, and make the best cup of coffee I know how to make. Read something, talk to somebody, check the weather pattern, share toast with my dog, and write stories about how I’ll feel when everything changes one day.
Life is a mystery.
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