THIS IS CENSORED
DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A SENSITIVE STOMACH
Last weekend, we made our way down to Palm Cove (A popular, upmarket beachside town in Far North Queensland). It’s a great place for a coffee/lunch date and a walk.
It’s a Relaxing, beautiful place to spend time, with stunning tropical surroundings, postcard scenery, immaculate weather and a contagious holiday vibe.
Our dog Jasper, loves the walk along the beach, frolicking in the waves, chasing the tennis ball, greeting tourists and passing water on the odd tree, determined to make sure he owns the place, and all the other dogs have no doubt in that fact.
Here we all were.
All five of us, wandering along the footpath, parallel to the beach, making a beeline for lunch, summing up all the restaurants and trying to decide which was the most appealing, when Jasper decided he was going to cause a scene.
This was no ordinary scene.
We were positioned right in front of the playground, where children and their parents frolicked, playing on swings, spying through telescopes, and climbing obstacle courses. The busy beach road was to our left, and on the other side of the road in very close proximity, were restaurants with happy diners seated at open air tables, chatting, and taking in the serenity.
All of a sudden, free to all, Jasper began to do ‘The walk’.
Oh no I thought. Here we go.
‘The walk’ is when he takes us on a rather quick stepped trek to find a perfect ‘POOING’ position. Sometimes, he walks for a good 5 minutes until he finds a patch of grass that’s suitable to his tastes.
“Whenever you’re ready Wondeez” (Our nickname for him) Michael always pipes.
Today, of all places, he decided to park a coil (apologies for the course description) right in the middle of the road, in front of all the children, the diners, the cars driving past, and the beach goers.
Michael madly tried to stop him ‘mid-poo’ but it wasn’t going to happen. That’s where he stopped, and that’s where he was staying to do his business.
Looking around, I checked to see who had noticed, embarrassed our dog wasn’t a little more discreet.
Everyone had noticed.
“Why is he taking so long?” I asked Michael, desperate to get him out of there.
“I think it’s stuck”
“It’s stuck? Oh good Lord”
As if it wasn’t enough to drop his load in the middle of the footpath, he had to get it stuck as well. Half of it was out, the other half was HANGING out, but still attached, if you know what I mean.
“Oh God, pull it out Michael”
“Michael dipped his hat in aim of disguising himself”
Poor Jasper was quite distressed. He continued to crawl forward, in an attempt to free himself, but his sphincter was still open and his legs wouldn’t work. He inched himself forward, with his legs spread, kind of in crouch position, or a shmick new yoga pose.
That was enough for my two boys who booked out at a rapid rate of knots, not claiming any ownership of either Jasper OR Michael.
I thought about it, and when a little kid yelled “Daddy is that dog ok?” I quickened my step and placed some valuable distance between myself and the commotion.
I peered over my shoulder briefly, and anxiously calculated my position. Was I far enough away?
Michael was trying to literally drag Jasper to a more discreet location, pulling in desperation at his lead-the poor dog choking in protest-but he’d already dropped a few packages that needed to be picked up, and he was absolutely resistant to this plan.
“Come on Jasper. Come here” -as he dragged him, Jasper moving forward very slowly in crouch position.
I noticed him wave to the diners in the restaurant, who by now were cacking themselves. Parents and kids in the playground began offering their assistance….NOT me, I was out of there, and I couldn’t find the boys for all money. They’d booked out long ago.
I was beginning to become concerned. His poo was well and truly stuck.
I mean of all places. One of the most supreme beaches in Austalia, and my dog chose constipation as an activity he would like to partake in….in the middle of the road mind you, in front of the whole world. He couldn’t have possibly planned it better.
With the poo still dangling out of his nought, he attempted to rub his bottom along the grass.
“Nooooooo, I yelled. I ran over quick smart. I was moving in. This little episode had to be stopped.
2 seconds away from grabbing the plastic bags and yanking the damn thing out of his backside, there was a big plop, he kicked his little legs to cover it up…with WHAT I don’t know, gravel? Sand? …and he had a dog smile from ear to ear, tongue hanging out, totally fired up to continue his Journey.
“What’s the problem ?” I could here him saying
“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanna chase the ball, yipeee, yipee. Can we go? Can we go?
Cheers surrounded us. Cheers from cars, cheers from diners, cheers from the playground, cheers from the beach, cheers from passers by.
Now. Where were we? Michael and I were considering a search party for the boys, who were missing in action for some time.
When we finally found one of them it was
“Oh my goodness Dad”…..like it was his fault.
Oh. That’s right. Lunch.
Lunch? No thank you, I’m no longer hungry.
…and the worst part, is, I can never show my face in Palm Cove again.