Posted in Funny



I have been meaning to apologise to Scott and Adrian for my performance at the twilight swimming carnival the other night.

When I decided to purchase a coffee from the kiosk, I could never have imagined the effect it would have had on me. I mean, I’ve had strong coffee’s before, but this one was out of this world.

The thought of a nice, lovely, coffee had been roaming around in my mind for some time. There is nothing better than consuming an exquisite coffee, when you are dying for one.

I asked around…..”Anyone for coffee?”

Before I knew it, I had a few orders.

Now ordering coffee in 2015 is not the same as ordering coffee in 1982. It used to be;

“Are you having a coffee?” -and the response would either be;

“yes please”…. Or “No thank you” ……NOW….you need a photographic memory to remember the order.

“Yes please, I’ll have a skinny latte, half strength, 1 sugar…”
“I’ll have a soy cap, double strength, no sugar”
“Short black, 2 sugars…..”

Right. I waltzed happily on over to the swimming pool Kiosk. The bloke taking the orders, was the same bloke who was making them, so the queue was lengthy. Lots of random chit chat was had between fellow coffee orderers while we were patiently waiting. My thirst for my coffee was increasing.

It was finally my turn.

The bloke who served me was young, kind of hip, totally into pleasing everyone, and seemed to be all over it. I mentioned to him that I had a few complicated orders, however he seemed to be excited by this, keen to show us all that he was a gun coffee maker and the complication of the order didn’t fuss him. I began to feel concerned that there might be a Kuffufle when he not only took milliseconds to absorb my order, but also took other orders at the same time. Oh, let me tell you from that moment on, I knew there was a debacle brewing. I was so concerned that I not only asked him to repeat the order, but I dropped the half strength in view of uncomplicating things. When he announced that he would bring the coffees TO me up in the grandstand over THEEEEERRREEE……..I knew it was all over.

Immediately I sent Michael over to retrieve the beverages, as I knew this coffee maker had bitten off more than he could chew.

The coffees arrived, in quite a timely manner I might add. Flat white instead of latte, cap with no sugar, etc etc… I thought, but oh well, give me, give me, give meeee my coffee. Coffee is coffee right?

I sipped mine. Blaaa. Tasted like, like, I don’t know what, but I ran for a few extra sugars to counteract the bitterness. Ahh that’s better….and then IT HIT ME. Wham. Caffeine surge. Words started coming out of my mouth at 100 kph. I couldn’t stop them. Every thought in my head, was out there. I felt my eyes grow in size, my nerves jump to attention, the smile on my face a permanent fixture. I was totally wired.

It was my turn to timekeep. With Scott and Adrian. Let me tell you it was the most exciting time keeping session ever. My reflexes were sharp. The gun would go off for a race, and I’d have the stop watch pressed so quickly it was frightening. Time after time I’d line myself up, right foot forward, left foot back, and wham, I started the stop watch with lightening speed, sometimes I think I even beat the gun. Running commentary was flowing from my mouth like silk. I quickly ran for a toilet break, not walked……skipped, hopped, whatever my charged up nerves told me to do.

I passed the coffee making bloke and he yelled out…..”How was your coffee?”……I looked at him and announced simply “Absolutely, flipping fantastic”…….he looked relieved, and replied:

“Oh, thank G– for that. The minute you walked away after ordering, I forgot the order and just thought F$&@…..”

I raced back to timing. All of a sudden, I felt dozy. My concentration was failing. The sweat was accumulating on my brow from the stress of missing the commencement of a race. I was quiet. If asked a question, I would reply with “Hmm? Sorry, did you say something” everything was an effort and I just wanted to go to sleep, one race just flowed into another, I was on autopilot, I felt absolutely horrible.

The following day, I arrived at the pool to collect the kids, when greeted by some apparently amused adults…..

“So we shouldn’t serve YOU coffee again”
” How do you know?”
“Oh we were all watching the scene unfold in the grandstand with Michael, who kept saying ‘What is wrong with her..??”….t’was brilliant. Don’t know what happened in the swimming, but you were a scream!”

The question has to be asked-how could one coffee, have that great an effect?

I think old mate may have served me quad strength av gas with coffee flavouring!


"I have been writing and creating images all my life-though it's only now, that I have finally let in the light" ~N.Martin

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